I want to believe
My twitter account @schwafnil is gone.
The twitter account I had been using to tweet my personal ranting, experiences and opinions and has existed as long as my Facebook or Flickr accounts was deleted last night: because I felt it was getting too much. And the best option I saw was to pull out of the system where everything was coming against you.
Every thing I said, every opinion I had started being opposed, confronted and challenged. There are so many things in this world that are unexplainable. There are so many thoughts that you feel that way without a cause or a reason – or the capability of being able to justify and explain how you felt in particular. I am the type of person who doesn't really care much why do I feel in certain way. I don't need a clear reason to be feeling in a particular way, unlike most people who try figuring out why and how this they end up feeling certainly.
When I expressed certain things publicly, I didn't necessarily feel the reason for having to justify and elaborate the reason of my expression. I don't hold the responsibility of clarifying anyone of my thoughts or motives behind publishing a certain tweet. However, the question isn't completely about my thought – it is also about the nature and background of people I was dealing with. Twitter (at least my list of contacts) primarily comprised of people from the IT field. Twitter, in Nepali context has been dominated by the people from that background – because they were the first one to figure out its usage, they're the ones who have been using it the most. It's often difficult arguing with people who have spent their lives analyzing facts and figures and base almost all their understanding upon some underlying prescribed truths. However, there is something above that – something more abstract that is hard to explain. I cannot explain what, but the feeling that comes from deep inside you that guides what you want to believe in.
I was not shying away from expressing my beliefs. I don't have to worry that my voice will not be heard anymore – because I don't think there really is a point screaming in front of a mass that generally invalidates your perspective. I had this very strong feeling that I was slowly headed towards becoming a square peg in a round hole – disagreeing with everything, opposing every viewpoint – something I did not feel did any justification to them or me.
So what I thought was best to opt out of the crowd. It wasn't working and I could well see that. I didn't want to get into awkward arguments every time. I am not running way from reality or anything. I firmly stand by what I believe in – and if my beliefs get challenged in any way, it is my discretion whether to tell others what I believe in, or not.
